You haunt me

You haunt me.....i decide to leave you....at the altar...yet you follow me...almost like a ghost that seeks vengeance.....i plead that you may leave me in peace....i have paid my price and...my actions are ever before me..but even then you still haunt me...i lack words to name you...for with a name we clothe whatever it is we are naming and it comes of of the darkness of the unknown to the light of the known...

You haunt me..yet i have done that which was seemingly impossible....i cut off my very limb...yet why does it feel like it is still there...i did what i thought was right..so where is the vindication ? why this suffering...i want to move ahead yet your tentacles hold me..or am i subconsciously holding on to you..yet each day i wake up..and let you go..and each day...i feel your presence ever firmly in place...i dread the nights for then my mind betrays me....and ventures into lands i want to stay clear of...

I am no longer sure of the very things that were the rocks upon which i stood...you see me so clearly and yet i have to stop seeing you as clearly...the forbidden beckons yet it will destroy me...but i have to wonder if this very struggle will make me lose my mind and in the end destroy me..either way....i lose no matter what i do..or is kit thoughts of you..or rather thoughts of what could have been that shackle me to you..that each time i attempt to escape...i find myself crawling back to the dungeon that is you

Love be kind....love be patient...for another day i must believe you will take another persona...for now you just hurt me.....i cannot trust you...for you have led me to this dungeon..you crept up on me stealthily like a thief..and like a naive village woman i let you in my domain thinking you were friend only to find you out for the foe that you are...you defend yourself that you are on my side...but the pain you have wrought on me...how can you justify that...maybe when i win this war that is ever waging in me..maybe i will hold your hand again in trust...fro he still haunts me

There is a song by Dolly Parton that i heard some weeks back....and i hope to recall it each nad every time i justify the unjustifiable

Artist: Parton Dolly
Song: Don't Let Me Cross Over
Album: Treasures

I'm tempted my darlin' to steal you away
Don't let me cross over, stay out of my way
'Cause you know that I love you and I'm not the stealin' kind
But I'm faced with heartache here at love's cheating line

Don't let me cross over love's cheating line
You belong to another and can never be mine
I know one step closer would be heaven divine
Don't let me cross over love's cheating line

I've tried to forget you but what else can I do
When your eyes keep saying that you want me too
And I know if I lose you not a dream will I have left
I don't want to cheat dear, but I can't help myself

Don't let me cross over love's cheating line
You belong to another and can never be mine
I know one step closer would be heaven divine
Don't let me cross over love's cheating line

Don't let me cross over love's cheating line

nine to five

well i applied for a job in Ghana..and when i did it was almost by mistake as i was applying for a job in one of the partner companies in Kenya..but my application ended up in the Ghana office....i dint think much about..yet it came to my attention that as a consequence of that i missed the Nairobi job....lets just say i was in the dumps for days then i picked myself up and thought there could be a silver lining in this...so after that i begun to give the Ghana job some thought but not much as i was also waiting on some other offers...in the financial market especially in Kenya there are the BIG FOUR firms....of which one i was out coz of misapplying while the other one was not taking in people that left two..i applied in the two..of the two i was ambivalent about one as i had applied last year..only to drop out at one of its long interview stages........
THE BEEF WITH THE BIG FOUR THEY HAVE THESE LONG INTERVIEW PROCESSES AND SOMEHOW THEY COINCIDE SO THAT YOU MAY LEAVE ONE ONLY TO FAIL IN THE ONE YOU WERE PLACING YOUR HOPES IN..WHAT A QUAGMIRE...BUT ANYHUUU..SOMEHOW THERE IS A DAY I WOKE UP AND THOUGHT WHAT...Ghana...AWAY FROM HOME..LEAVING ALONE..MEETING DIFFERENT PEOPLE..EXPERIENCING NEW THINGS...EVEN IF HARDSHIPS..BUT SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND EXCITING..HAVING TO GROW UP AND GET OUT MY COMFORT ZONE...MAYBE FLIRTING WITH NEW MEN...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH meeting the moocha boys.....any way as you can see..i really got carried away..but finally iw as excited about this opportunity that God brought my way..even if to just get me excited again..as i had become more or less resigned by now....
I finally told my family that there is a possibility of me going to Ghana if the application went well..my mum was excited as the firm is a really good one...weird coz my mum is the type to want all her children in her nest till kingdom come..she said so herself..as if...my dad who is the easy gong one..whom has accepted the fact that you bring up kids to leave the nest was really reserved..he dint say anything negative..it was in his demeanor and each time he would change the subject...i am much closer to my dad than my mum..but that reaction just threw me...anyhuuu nothing can dampen my excitement...
I really want this job...i have moved from a platform of indifference to passionate longing.....MAYBE I AM A BIT NAIVE but i think it is a good opportunity and i would survive as my dad says i am a survivor....so my mum and i have been on a frenzy to get a passport and all my documents in order.....someone would think the contract has already been signed and sealed...yet i believe that faith works best when you give it your all so that when the deals fall through you have no regrets about having failed to do whatever you needed to do......
This year at some point i started going on some downward spiral.....honestly..some things i did for fun..others just to test limits and boundaries.....while i have not suffered physical consequences..i have paid some spiritual and emotional price.....i think part of that was just a loss of hope..in things getting better...i think i also lost some faith..in myself,in life and in God to a certain extent especially in regards to achieving my goals....there is a large part of me that has become so cynical about life and relationships.....yet there is day i said one of those honest prayers..that are often short yet to the point....and the next day i received some positive news from one of the big four's that i had applied to way back..i thought they had forgotten about it..or just dismissed my application....i get to do the first interview process next month..but it encouraged me..and just reminded me of how much God never forgets..even when i lose hope..and think He has abandoned me..even when i do stuff..to push him away..He is still faithful,,,i have no idea where my life is going nor where i will be this time next year..yet i am right now at a place where i am hopeful again..where i begin to see that in him all things hold together...while away from him anarchy governs and chaos rules
when i started this post it was to be a short post and mainly about Ghana....i realize i am very ignorant about other African Countries....or i have become..this is me who believes Americans are the most ignorant people when it comes to other countries in the world....i decided to do a little research about Ghana..seeing as i may live and work there....i know getting ahead of myself..but hey..and its interesting the stuff i learn..it doesn't deter me rather it makes me even more determined to get this job..my only fear is that i may get offers from the other two firms before hearing from them...Ghana is obviously my first choice then the firm that am doing the aptitude next month..of the four the rest rank it the least powerful but i prefer it to the one that rejected me last year..for obvious reasons..but God knows....so if you Accra features more than usual in this blog..well now you know/.....

AFRICAN FREEDOM DAY

May 25th is Africa Day, the official day of the African Union. It is an opportunity to celebrate African diversity and success, and join Africans around the world in highlighting the cultural and social energy of the continent.

On April 15, 1958, in the city of Accra Ghana, African leaders and political activists gathered at the first Conference of Independent African States. It was attended by representatives of the governments of Ethiopia, Ghana, Liberia, Libya, Morocco, Sudan, Tunisia, The United Arab Republic (which was the federation of Egypt and Syria) and representatives of the National Liberation Front of Algeria and the Union of Cameroonian Peoples. This conference was significant in that it represented the first Pan-African Conference held on African soil. It was also significant in that it represented the collective expression of African People’s disgust with the system of colonialism and imperialism, which brought so much suffering to African People. Further, it represented the collective will to see the system of colonialism permanently done away with.

After 500 years of the most brutal suffering known to humanity, the rape of Africa and the subsequent slave trade, which cost Africa in excess of 100,000,000 of her children, the masses of African People singularly, separately, individually, in small disconnected groupings for centuries had said, “enough”! But in 1958, at the Accra Conference, it was being said in ways that emphasized joint, coordinated and unified action.

This conference gave sharp clarity and definition to Pan-Africanism, the total liberation and unification of Africa under scientific socialism. The conference as well laid the foundation and the strategy for the further intensification and coordination of the next stage of the African Revolution, for the liberation of the rest of Africa, and eventual and complete unification.

The Conference called for the founding of African Freedom Day, a day to, “mark each year the onward progress of the liberation movement, and to symbolize the determination of the People of Africa to free themselves from foreign domination and exploitation.”

Five years later after the First Conference of Independent African States in the city of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia another historical meeting occurred. On May 25, 1963, leaders of thirty-two independent African States met to form the Organization of African Unity (OAU). By then more than two thirds of the continent had achieved independence from colonial rule. At this historic meeting the date of Africa Freedom Day was changed from April 15th to May 25th and Africa Freedom Day was declared African Liberation Day (ALD). African Liberation Day has been held on May 25th in every corner of the world since.

obviously the above is from other sources but as we celebrate THE AFRICAN day,,,what would like to celebrate in Africa or would would you like to be thankful for as an African?

TRUTH;perception or reality or illusion?

What if what you knew to be truth for so many years turned out not to be so?
What if the parents you thought were yours were not?
my ex used to say that facts and truth are two different things..something i so do not agree with but in all honesty have not given much thought.Dogs don't see in colour they See in black and white....and since they have never seen the world in any other way thats how the world is to them....that got me thinking... when i read that fact i was about twelve...what if the world is not as we see it...what if there are more colours or there is more to see but we don't and we arrogantly assume that how we see it is how it is..that is so freaky for me!!!I am obsessed with truth....i like knowing things in their true states or else i get so enraged that i am either being played or being taken for a fool
When i watched men in black two..it was even worse....first of all i do not believe there are any aliens contrary to American obsession with alien conspiracy....there are no such things..just like there is no such thing as ghosts or a vampire..utter rubbish...BUT when i watched the movie at the end where the alien were in this small locker and to them that was the whole universe... i laughed then in the end they show how our world is just basically the same in some locker....that was sad..but it made me ask myself what if the world as we know it is not the whole truth....that what we think as fact is just our perception of it....or maybe an illusion
It the way sometimes i wonder where heaven is and where hell is...especially hell..cz heaven my mind cant fully conjure it..its so far out there i try and just cant..but hell....is it the center of the earth or is it a black hole?i mean where the hell is it???????????????????sometimes i think God has a sense of humour that when its all done we will find both were so near us or so right in our eyes but we missed it.....ok sometimes i think weird thought but seriously don't you wonder?

Manywanda

The title is one of the Luo words for this coalition government...but its rather has a connotation of a disorganization or a mixture without much order....for once i wrote down the outline of what i want to post..something i have never done but i want to improve in the number of posts i write..more often than not i have something to write about but i let apathy rule.
I am so upset with the Delamere ruling ....it is so unfair the rule of law dictates that the law shall be applied equally to all people in the land...but no just because the fellow is allegedly an aristocrat he gets a different system.The sentence was not a light sentence it was a slap in the face..it was ludicrous i mean 8months i guess the total does come to around 3years taking into account the time he has already served but manslaughter?...I think that man intended to kill any person that he would get on that land...malice aforethought can be targeted at a group and not necessarily at a particular person...so even that nonsense of it being manslaughter is just nonsense to justify the joke of a sentence that the system passed and system it is that judge was not acting on his own...manslaughter is suitable where you have killed someone but without premeditating on it....when you set out it was not your intention to kill..it could be in the heat of the moment..which is so not the case..dude obviously sees these people as non-persons...i dint realize how upset i was till my mum commented on it when were having dinner and its like i jumped on her...she was saying he has served enough time..so i asked her if it were an African who had been in his shoes would she think the same way..she refused to answer her..so my mum says how he has already served three years..and i recall laughing..it was a humorless laughter,,,what is three years?i mean even ten years would not be enough..the maximum sentence is life in prison..it tells you how grave the crime is..yet stealing a piece of loaf will land you ten to fourteen years in prison.....i hate our justice system..in fact i was almost shouting when i said i am glad i will never practice law in this country...the justice system is just a sham...all i could think was how much that would destroy me..if i was an advocate involved in that case...i never do anything in half measure i give my all..and to do that and have the possibility of it being rubbished like that..my soul would just shrivel up and die...or to be apart of this corrupt system..that would be tragedy....
On a much better note i watched Patricia Amira's show..and she was doing a piece on musicians to watch for..i really liked the show..more so cause i had just come from almost tearing my mum to pieces over the light sentence..there were some really good artiste..there is this and..i have forgotten their name..maybe Sauti sol..they were awesome..i will be looking for them and their album..then there was this chic who does some nice scratchy 30's kinda music with some jazz...it has the six pence none the richer ring to it..but still different..she is called Maia...really good..i liked her guitarist..i think he was good..next was Sarah Mitaru..whom i just hear about but i have never listened to her music..well i know know why she is such celebrity..she is really good but more than that she has such a real personality..and Bill was accompanying her...good stuff..then LAM came next with his story.....about being a child soldier....he was rapping accompanied with Patricia Wangechi and some other chic...Patricia was looking good..even back then she had an awesome voice..cant wait for part two of the Show....
I am loving the new network..Sony Entertainment Network(SET)....the screen colours are not the best but at least i get to watch comedies i used to love and haven't seen in a while...i was laughing so much watching just for laughs and news radio..those were old time favorites,,,and i get to see Joan of Arcadia season two..yippee...obviously i slept late yesterday...
As for America Idol season8..wawawa i so did not know that PAULA ABDUL COULD ROCK IT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! nway big up to her..my jaw was hanging wide open but i like her...even if i will be lynched i still feel that either Lil or Allison or Danny should have won this show..yet it seems Adam is set to win it..i so don't get his music but America is a rock country so go figure...its a good thing i missed the elimination show for lil..cz for Allison i shed some tears...chic is so talented....anyhuuu i believe she will make records..thats for sure...
last week as i was heading home from my pal's party i saw these books being sold near where i take my mats..so being the book crazy chic that i am...i went and to hear the guy saying mbao...what?and i got a Fredrick Forsyth...THE ODESSA FILES.....awesome book..yaani Germany scares me the more i read about it and its past
i have this axe hanging over my head but as all things it will either be taken away or it will fall...

SO WHAT ARE YOUR FEARS?

Guest piece and bird lesson

Someone sent me this piece of ..shall i say poetry?....and let me share it.i have decided to widen the horizon of my blog in terms of readership...if there is such a word
Someday you will cry for me,

...just like i cried for you.

Someday you will miss me,

...just like i missed you.

Someday you will need me,

...just like i needed you.

Someday you will try calling me,

...but you will never find my phone number.

i still don't know if this is his own composition or what but i think its good.Today morning as i was walking in my attempt to exercise and drive the demons that had been pursuing me in my mind..i came upon a group of white bird with a couple of pied crows among them..there were a considerable in number and they were poking the road...it then hit me that its the rainy season and the termites and white ants abound...as i walked the majority of them flew off while two white birds and a pied crow waited till i was less than a foot from them before they flew off...that made me smile....i like that...the audacity to stay while the rest run....but it can also be costly...As i looked at the courageous trio...A thought went through my mind that in as much as birds can fly..it comes at a cost...for one they have these skinny legs and i wondered mustn't it be tiring holding your legs horizontal for such a long time for one to be able to fly the distances?i don't even know why i was having these thoughts but have them i did...there are heights i want to attain in my life...am i willing to let go of excess baggage or luggage in order to be able to be light enough to fly the heights...am i willing to have the endurance for the long haul..funny what a bunch of birds can teach you.

Yoweri invoking rage

i told myself that i would write a well researched post with maps and documents and attaching link but i am so enraged that i have thrown out all that out of the window..i just want to vent.....Museveni is an idiot an idiot and an idiot....i couldn't believe my ears when i listened to BBC.In all this drama from the beginning i took it as a joke..i mean we are in modern times capture is no longer a means of acquiring a state in international law...and for the life of me i could not fathom the man's motive..what was the upside for him..i mean the island is 1acre..and so obviously not Uganda's... my mum would get all upset and we would laugh at her and say she is overreacting it will be sorted out...little did we know..i may even begin to believe that this is some plot to pay the idiot off for the soldiers who were i nyanza during the post election violence..its a pay off..when two days ago i heard that 280million shillings would be spent on surveying 1acre of land..i mean seriously...i smelt something funny..how now?280million....for me i just thought this another corrupt plot of these greedy mps'....and when those ugandans officials who came here for the talks started talking matope..i just thought enyewe this thing is not going to disappear like soonest..and when i heard the railway line was chucked i said this should teach this arrogant man some lessons..but i felt kedo bad cz my pals who were there were telling me how there was almost nothing in the shelves...THEN I HEAR THIS BUFFOON SAYING ALL THAT TRASH ON BBC...well hurray to the kibera boys..chuck all the rails you want this man..whom i firmly believe killed or at least plotted to kill Garang' is a menace....then one of his representatives says how we are uprooting THEIR railway line...as in the sheer gall..the audacity..yaani i am seeing red hours after i heard that broadcast..there i have vented now let me get some work done

CONFESSIONS

i FINALLY fessed up to viv about edz.I have been having this compelling need to fess up...one of the things i usually say is important to me above love and happiness is truth...i really like this chic and we really hit it off at the retreat....and we were each other's partners and the whole weekend i kept having this urge to tell her.I felt that if she ever found out later when we have become tight pals..she would feel cheated or betrayed that our friendship was built on lies..yet i also had a selfish reason for fessing up...i just wanted to let go of this awful load on me..and put another aspect of a check on myself so that this dependence on edz can be held back..and so that all avenues are closed off completely. so finally when i was in the car using my dad's phone i told her over chat...at first i warned that it was probably a conversation she would like and it maybe better to have it after alabastron is over..but either way i told her..and i can say she was shocked and at a loss for words...even as i was doing it....i felt so awful..such a feeling of disgust...i cant say edu did anything wrong....honestly other than the last comment about us guys going out and he will for sure hit on me..which on all account could be a joke..a bad one..but nonetheless a joke....and i cant say i have hit on the guy..for me it was just the unhealthy dependence on him for affirmation..and the stubborn holding on to the idea of a me and him at some point....yet i guess for her....S is a very CLOSE PAL OF HERS.....and i guess they all hang out as a crowd..even now i wonder what i have done..if she tells S and S talks to edz...HE will KILL me...for sure....but i wasnt telling her to tell her pal or indirectly tell him....i wanted it out and its part of putting him finally to death..the pedestal that i have put him on...is now down and i wanted it to stay down...and i realise viv's opinion of me really matters to me..and even as i was telling her the stuff i could imagine whats going through her mind....i think i was sad cz this is not me..and i never thought i would be where i am..where i even considered dallying with another girl's man....i feel such utter disgust when i think about it5..such self loathing...its despicable...yet i told her.nway i told her that i cant make her not tell her pal..but i hope she doesn't..i know i was putting her in a hard situation she said S is like her sister..and i get..and i was thinking if it was one of my girls what would i do....truth is important but i wonder if i was wise to speak out..yet it is done....if nothing else it taught me that with seemingly little decisions often lie bigger consequences that we often overlook.....i wonder if me and viv will be pals the way we were starting to be...i felt so bad i was just weeping yesterday..i mean what am i becoming?...where are those values i so hold dear....and i guess the realisation that if i dont stop right now and find God again..i am heading for destruction with consequences that i probably cannot bear... MORE THAN THAT i have to accept forgiveness from God and fully forgive myself...that was the major lesson at the retreat and even now each moment i have to remember that.A part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop if edu hears this..i am so scared..but there is nothing i can do..part of my resolution is to stop controlling things.
i am dreading the sato class but i will go even if it kills me..This week we are doing self work on self esteem..lets just say mine has taken a beating.Viv said she respects me for telling her...fOR SOME REASON I REALLY CLICKED WITH THAT CHIC...nway God knows