CONFESSIONS

i FINALLY fessed up to viv about edz.I have been having this compelling need to fess up...one of the things i usually say is important to me above love and happiness is truth...i really like this chic and we really hit it off at the retreat....and we were each other's partners and the whole weekend i kept having this urge to tell her.I felt that if she ever found out later when we have become tight pals..she would feel cheated or betrayed that our friendship was built on lies..yet i also had a selfish reason for fessing up...i just wanted to let go of this awful load on me..and put another aspect of a check on myself so that this dependence on edz can be held back..and so that all avenues are closed off completely. so finally when i was in the car using my dad's phone i told her over chat...at first i warned that it was probably a conversation she would like and it maybe better to have it after alabastron is over..but either way i told her..and i can say she was shocked and at a loss for words...even as i was doing it....i felt so awful..such a feeling of disgust...i cant say edu did anything wrong....honestly other than the last comment about us guys going out and he will for sure hit on me..which on all account could be a joke..a bad one..but nonetheless a joke....and i cant say i have hit on the guy..for me it was just the unhealthy dependence on him for affirmation..and the stubborn holding on to the idea of a me and him at some point....yet i guess for her....S is a very CLOSE PAL OF HERS.....and i guess they all hang out as a crowd..even now i wonder what i have done..if she tells S and S talks to edz...HE will KILL me...for sure....but i wasnt telling her to tell her pal or indirectly tell him....i wanted it out and its part of putting him finally to death..the pedestal that i have put him on...is now down and i wanted it to stay down...and i realise viv's opinion of me really matters to me..and even as i was telling her the stuff i could imagine whats going through her mind....i think i was sad cz this is not me..and i never thought i would be where i am..where i even considered dallying with another girl's man....i feel such utter disgust when i think about it5..such self loathing...its despicable...yet i told her.nway i told her that i cant make her not tell her pal..but i hope she doesn't..i know i was putting her in a hard situation she said S is like her sister..and i get..and i was thinking if it was one of my girls what would i do....truth is important but i wonder if i was wise to speak out..yet it is done....if nothing else it taught me that with seemingly little decisions often lie bigger consequences that we often overlook.....i wonder if me and viv will be pals the way we were starting to be...i felt so bad i was just weeping yesterday..i mean what am i becoming?...where are those values i so hold dear....and i guess the realisation that if i dont stop right now and find God again..i am heading for destruction with consequences that i probably cannot bear... MORE THAN THAT i have to accept forgiveness from God and fully forgive myself...that was the major lesson at the retreat and even now each moment i have to remember that.A part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop if edu hears this..i am so scared..but there is nothing i can do..part of my resolution is to stop controlling things.
i am dreading the sato class but i will go even if it kills me..This week we are doing self work on self esteem..lets just say mine has taken a beating.Viv said she respects me for telling her...fOR SOME REASON I REALLY CLICKED WITH THAT CHIC...nway God knows